Amidst the chaos of these past couple weeks, I’ve come to realize something. Life is fleeting. It’s not coincidence that I’ve been walking through the last couple chapters of Revelation with my Form 1 class. Reading about the End Times with four, spunky teenage girls… wow. I didn’t know so many questions could be asked within the span of a few minutes. What does it all mean? “Miss Kramer, what about the people that go to church but still do bad stuff?” “Miss Kramer, all LIARS will be thrown into the lake of fire?” “Miss Kramer…” They have so many questions, just like I know many of us have now. Why is this pandemic affecting so many people? Why do we have to be stripped of our freedoms to go out, have fun, and do the things we enjoy? COVID-19 has spread all the way to little landlocked Eswatini, the country will be on lockdown for 20 days in hopes to curb the spread of the virus. We will be quarantined with 17 girls, 3 moms, and one Benji, and if I’m honest, I’m so stoked. I’m excited for the time spent giggling before bed as we sweat on our mats. I’m excited for the conversations we will have during Bible Study and the worship songs that will fill the room. I’m excited to help make dinner, only to have the girls tease me by saying, “Scons’ made dinner? Eish, don’t dish me!” (Sassy girls, that is their nickname for me, Scons’) We don’t have to be afraid, because we have a God who is in control of all of this. Like Pastor Karl said, “It’ll all make sense one day.” And I have faith in that. I have faith in a God who, yes, brings justice and judgement, but He also loves. Loves us enough to look at His own Son and say, “Die for them.” I can’t even begin to understand what many of my friends and family back home are experiencing. Have faith over fear friends. Know that He holds the whole world, and everything that happens in His hands. I’ve realized these past weeks that Paul, as he says in his epistles, wasn’t lying about the “end drawing near.” It was a warning. We don’t have time to sit and worry about what is going to happen next. Jesus is coming SOON. No one knows when, but when He does return, I for one want to be ready. I want to be doing kingdom work when He shows up. With that being said, I’ve doing just fine “this side” (we say that a lot here) and I’m growing in ways only God could have orchestrated. I love every minute even the minutes I’m drained and tired. It’s through God’s ability I serve and love the people here, not my own capability (thank you Pastor Lu 👏🏻). Love you all! Praying for the Church, my people.

This time, 182 and a half days ago, I was just a girl with a one way ticket to South Africa. It has been the first of many new things for me. My first flight alone. My first Christmas without some little person jumping on my bed yelling, “GET UP GET UP GET UP!” My first apartment. I’m not a decision making person at all, but here I am, having to make them all on my own. Half a year of learning a new culture, eating rice (oh man, don’t get me started) singing Mlindo songs, and learning how to be a teacher to teenage girls 😜 has been one for the books.

So much has happened in the last six months, but I don’t want to bore you with all the details, so I’ll give highlights of each month so far.

August – This first month was HARD. So so hard. Stepping into a new culture and meeting so many people who, now, are some of my favorite people in the whole world, was difficult at first. My highlight of this month was the moments before I went through security at O’hare. Standing in the middle of (what must have looked like a crowd to some) 11 people, as they huddled around me, some in tears, others acting too cool to care that their big sister was leaving for a year, and two of the most humble and encouraging people I’ve had the pleasure of spending my entire life with, looking at me and probably thinking, “where did time go.” What I loved most about it wasn’t the giggles from Silas, or the hug from Jakobi (which is unheard of by the way), it was the fact that each person in my not so little clan, was praying for me. Because they know God’s got me. I wish I would have turned around and waved one last time at those 11 people, but I knew if I did I’d probably be tempted to run back into their open arms and throw my bags back in the van. So here I am.

September – Blur. That’s the word that describes this month! Haha! Having just graduated, I had no idea what I was in for when I signed up to be a homeschool teacher. It takes a lot more effort than I originally thought. Despite the stress of lesson planning however, I grew so much in my faith. So far, September was probably the month I felt closest to God. As I think about it now, it is probably because I felt very alone. And I had no WiFi that whole month, so my Bible stared me right in the face and said, “well? You gonna open me up or what?” “My cup overflowed” in September, and I think it was God preparing me for the relationships that were to come. He wanted me to realize that He will always be there for me, even when I feel alone. Once I found comfort in Him in my loneliness, I started seeing the human relationships I was so desperately craving come to life.

October – Who doesn’t love relationships? So many friendships were formed this month, with the girls and the Hosea’s Heart staff! I began to invest my time and energy into those budding relationships (no matter how much basketball I had to play). At this point I was getting into the groove of teaching, so things weren’t as stressful, we also moved into the apartment at the beginning of October, so accessing Crash Course videos (thank you John Green) was a real life saver. Out of the 16 girls, I was close with only about 5 or 6. The younger girls took to my obnoxiousness, while the older ones decided to keep their distance. (I would have too if I saw me dancing and trying to make friends by embarrassing myself). All in all, this was a good month, I was starting to see opportunities for me to connect and invest in the girls education and spiritual growth.

November – “what are you most excited for?” I was probably asked this question 100 times before I left for Eswatini. My answer was always the same, “I’m excited for 3 months in, you know, because by that time I’ll be used to everything and will know everyone!” November didn’t live up to all I thought it would be if I’m honest. I was starting to realize that I had so much more time to go yet. Could I do this a whole year? What impact was I making anyway? Some of the girls still won’t talk to me!!! What’s with that? And I’m a terrible teacher compared to the other teachers. I missed home. And I needed a break. My mom had just left the first week of November after visiting with Hannah (SURPRISE!) and seeing them leave made it that much harder to have a good attitude about being here. I truly didn’t feel like I was doing much, other than assigning homework. So I fell into the motions, get up, drink coffee, go to school, teach, come home, prep, sleep. Where was the crazy growth I was expecting?! And so, November came and went.

December – I’m sorry if this is too long. But I promise, this is where it gets good. Break. Ahhhh. Hannah’s (my roommate) friend came to visit about a week into Eswatini’s blistering hot summer, and we spent a week snorkeling, swimming, and having really good, much needed conversations. It was refreshing. Some of the girls weren’t able to go home for Christmas because of home life, so some pretty incredible friends back home made it possible for Hannah and I to take the girls to a lodge to swim and get away from the girls home. It was so much fun. Girls are so much fun in general. I remember walking with a few of the girls to the store to buy s’mores (because duh) and I thought, “I love this.” I really do.

January – All 16 girls are not only my students, but also my sisters. I don’t know how it happened, but all of a sudden, every SINGLE girl decided to love me, talk to me, and join in on my obnoxiousness. By far my favorite part of this experience. Thank you Jesus for bringing me all the way here. When I thought I would never be able to connect with each of them personally, when I thought I would always get the stink eye from that one girl in class, when I thought I would never be a good enough teacher. He changed everything I “thought” in 2019 in 2020. I now teach 10 classes, 5 English and 5 Religious Education. I assign homework without worrying about if they are gonna hate me tomorrow. I look each of them in the eye and make jokes and tell them straight up what they are doing well and what they need to improve. I might not see the spiritual impact I’m making, but I can feel the change inside me. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not even sure what I was afraid of, but I know that the fear that was holding me down is gone, and I’m free. I’m confident that the next 182 and a half days are going to be life changing. Yes, I might stumble, get hurt, and cry out to Jesus with my favorite question for Him lately, “why?” But I’m not going to doubt Him for a second. He knows exactly what all this is for, and He’s asking me to just be free. Love Him, love these girls, rely on the Spirit to guide me, and pray that 2020 would be a year of incredible growth in my life and the lives of those influenced by Hosea’s Heart.

Okay okay, I know, weird title for this one, but I’ve going to be super vulnerable and honest because maybe someone else needs to hear this too.

One of the girls wrote me a note, it’s hanging in my room at the flat. Three simple words are written on it with a giant heart. “I love Amelia”. I haven’t loved myself lately, and sometimes, when the devil really gets me down, I think, “how could anyone love this?” I hear it said over the phone and I’ve read it in texts and letters, but I’ve had a hard time believing it. Then tonight, I look up through tears and saw these three words. Why does she love me? I know it’s not because of what I look like, how pretty I am or how much I weigh, believe me, they have seen me on my trashy, shower-less days, and they’ve commented on the extra pounds Africa has graced me with. So it’s not because of that. It’s because of something else. “I love Amelia”. She loves me. Obnoxious, loud, energetic me. Maybe there’s more to it, maybe there is some underlying reason as to why she loves me. But I know for a fact it’s not because of what I look like. I’ve been so wrapped up in the idea that people will only love me if I look a certain way, but Jesus reminded me that He loves me. Not my outfits or size. Not my hair or makeup. He loves my heart, my fragile emotions, my love for adventure. He loves my goofy smile and cheesy jokes. He loves my voice, even when it escalates. He loves that I hate wearing shoes and love telling stories. He loves my laugh, and that’s saying something. He loves me. And that’s all that matters. Woah. God is so good. Not 5 minutes ago I felt like crap. All I had to do was look up and read the sweet reminder He left for me; that I am loved, because I’m Amelia.

I saw a woman with these three words tattooed onto her arm. What a great reminder. What a great phrase, one that Jesus lived by so well. Why can’t I be more like that? When my feelings are hurt by that person? Love them anyway. When someone endangers the people I love? Love them anyway. It doesn’t matter what they’ve done or who they are; Jesus asks us to love them despite it all. Because that’s what He did. To some these three words wouldn’t be hard to live by. But I’ve spent the past 4 months with 16 girls who wouldn’t say the same. They’ve been hurt, broken, in pain, all from people who they thought were trustworthy, from people who they thought loved them. Yet Jesus says to us, “love them anyway.”

Let those words be etched on our hearts. It’s so easy to love a God who has never once failed us, lied to us, or done us harm. It’s so easy to love someone who loves you back. It’s when we are asked to love the person who rapped us, murdered, called us a name, or hurt us, then it gets hard. But Jesus did just that. He loved the ones who spit on Him, insulted Him, laughed at Him, crucified Him, denied Him, and cursed Him. Jesus. What an unfathomable and perfect example you are to us. To me. I want to be more like you, so I’m going to “love them anyway…”

How often do we want to just jump right in and do God’s work? Like, yea God, I know all the Bible stories and I’ve seen every episode of Veggie Tales… I can lead a VBS class no problem!

*Disclaimer: VBS takes a lot more than the knowledge of a twisted story of the fall of Jericho involving purple slushees being shot through cannons at Joshua and his “marching band”

You know what Christians do a lot of? Making our own plans. We assume God is the one sitting back expecting US to start a new ministry or fulfill His will. WRONG! God is already at work. We don’t have to “start the work”, we just have to join God where He is ALREADY at work. I’ve been reading this book, “Experiencing God” by Henry Blackaby; typically I’m a pretty fast reader, but this book has got me crying and highlighting every other sentence – sorry to disappoint all my previous Reading and Lit. Teachers, but I’m only 70 pages in and I’ve been reading it for a little over a month. Blackaby says that when we join God in what He’s already doing, things happen. We long to experience God, but often miss out on what He’s doing around us because we are looking for things we can do, other than for what God is already doing. “For no one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them to me…” John 6:44. We would have no desire for Jesus if it weren’t for God. People do no seek God on their own initiative. When we choose to join God where He is already working, we will see results and experience Him more fully. People don’t accept Christ as their Savior unless the Holy Spirit urges them to.

A good example of this is Zacchaeus. The Father was at work in the little guy, and Jesus recognized that. He saw someone who was so desperate to see Him, someone who was earnestly seeking Jesus out, even though he wasn’t known as a righteous man. Jesus saw that God was working in Zacchaeus’ heart… and guess what? He joined His Father in the work He has already started in this tax-collectors heart.

Because Jesus came to save and be an example to us, we know that this small, seemingly insignificant story in Luke, is actually a lesson we can all learn from. Everywhere Jesus went, He joined in the work the Father had already started. Taking time, to single out one man in a huge crowd, filled with many unbelievers who could have used His mentor ship and guidance; He saw the one man God was already working in – and He didn’t hesitate to join.

I think it’s safe to say we all want to make this huge difference in the lives of people around us. We want to bring as many as possible to Christ. But if we choose this route, our time and energy will be stretched thin. God has a plan. He is working, we just aren’t looking for Him. We first need to discover where He is at work, then, we must jump in and join Him.

Recently I’ve been struggling with feeling near to the Lord. I read my Bible and do my devotions every morning before I start my day, and every night before I close my eyes, something I’ve always wanted the “time” to do back in the States but allowed the world to distract me. Yet I don’t feel any nearer to Jesus on a regular basis. How do I attain the “abiding presence” of the Holy Spirit that Paul talks about? Andrew Murray (no, not the muscle man who ironically lives next to the Y) was a great theologian in the 1850’s and shared his insight on obtaining the Secret of the Abiding Presence. As I read through the daily devotionals I was captivated at how simple it was. Faith. It takes faith to experience the presence of Jesus in our lives daily and to understand the fullness of His promise, “I am with you always.” Faith that doesn’t back down when things get rocky. Faith that chooses to trust in every promise God has made, believing that He can and WILL fulfill each one.

John 14:23 says,

He who loves me will follow my commandments, and my Father will love him, and We will come and make Our home in him.

In other words… “We” (the trinity, through the Holy Spirit) will come into our hearts and abide in us. We will then experience the daily presence of Jesus and His exceedingly abundant power.

I’ve read the same thing in Scripture for the past three weeks, and then again I’ve heard the same verses be mentioned in Church on Sunday. Over and over again God has been drilling deep into my heart these two simple commandments, “Love God and love one another.”

I’ve been loving God through my actions and words right? I mean yea, I have screwed up here and there but otherwise I’m ok right? And I’ve been loving the people around me, maybe with a little irritation as the same question is asked over 100 times, but I’m only human. So why, when I ask God to help me, to push me, to dig deep into my heart and make my number one desire all about Him, do I get silence? How is it that when I’m driving home from work in the States I feel more at peace with Christ and I find more assurance in my Salvation then I am experiencing right now?

I can only experience the abiding presence of the Holy Spirit if I surrender myself to Him every day. I have to intentionally and wholeheartedly turn away from the world, and wait on God to reveal Himself to my soul. I must give Him all my time, energy, and heart, only then will He reveal Himself to me fully.

I know this is getting long, so I’ll stop here, but towards the end of Murray’s book he writes about having childlike faith, and to seek above all else to please God. By resting in the promise of John 14:23, that the Holy Spirit resides in me, that the Father loves me, and that by keeping His commands I am proving my love for Him, a quiet assurance, even if there is not much sense or feeling of His presence, will overtake me. Because He promises to be with me always. Even in the stillness. “Draw near to the Lord, and He will draw near to you.”

Today is day three. It is also my favorite day so far! And here’s why.

Some of the most beautiful girls I have ever met got down on their knees to wash the feet of the women who have been serving them this past week. They gathered all the women in a circle and one girl said, “you have taught us what it means to serve, we want to do what Jesus did for His disciples. We would like to wash your feet.”

I’m sure many of you know women, and an act like this does not end dry eyed. Tears and prayers spilled around the room, and I was overwhelmed by the way the girls gently washed the feet of their new friends, mentors, and sisters in Christ. Kneeling down next to each of these women and praying for them to serve well back home, just as they did here, showed me what it means to be apart of the Church. The God that moved these girls to service and tears today, is the same God we worship on Sundays in church. Yet I don’t see people in the Church serving the way these 8 to 19 year olds did. Christ served. The church must also serve. We are not called to open our Bibles Sunday morning and then be done with it. We aren’t called to form a group of friends and not allow anyone else in. We aren’t called to hoard our time and energy and money. We aren’t called to “let someone else do it”. We are called to get down on our hands and knees and serve like Jesus served. Humble ourselves, pray for one another, love one another, and encourage one another. Thank you Jesus for making yourself known to us, so that we can follow in your footsteps as these girls are doing.

The past few days have been filled with excitement and, if I’m honest, a little fear. As I sat through two long flights, next to people I have never met, I felt very alone. At first I was so excited! I get to leave the house for a whole year and be the boss of myself! Who doesn’t want that right?

As I looked out at the clouds and dreamed of the people I was going to meet and influence, I thought of the people I love and will miss deeply back home. In that moment I just wanted to turn around and say “God, this is so not for me, I’ll go a different time.” But I know that is not what he wants from me. He has plans so big and purposeful that I can’t even imagine. Maybe it was that guy that I couldn’t really understand sitting next to me, who kept asking what on earth I was doing going to Africa for a year. Maybe He simply just wanted to give the mom with her baby a good laugh when I tried to open a door on the plane that I THOUGHT was the bathroom, only to find that it was full of flight attendant uniforms. Maybe I just needed to hear the stories Hannah has shared with me. Or maybe it’s something completely different, and I’ll never quite catch it. But I’m not going to let Satan win. I’m not going to believe the lies he tells. I know where my help comes from. I know who breathes life into me. And I know who’s going to bring me through every moment of my time in Swazi. I KNOW Him. So here’s to the beginning of something new, fun, a little scary, and oh so real and challenging. I’m ready Jesus. Use me. Push me. And most of all, be with me.

Most mornings we wake up selfish. Selfish because we didn’t get to sleep in, we don’t want to see that coworker today, or things didn’t go our way the day before. Our hearts need to be reminded of the great love and the selfless heart of the One who died for us. That took our place. Jesus didn’t preform miracles to call attention to Himself. He did it to open eyes and to show God’s great love and affection towards us. To show people who He was. Our lives must be lived the same way. Out of selflessness. Mission trips, volunteering, preaching, leading worship: those are not for personal gain or recognition. The spotlight should always be on our King. If you do things with the next Insta or Facebook post in mind, then you’re not doing it for the right reasons. Stop looking for your reward here, when it’s already been promised in eternity. Jesus never said, “look at me!” Neither should we. When you receive recognition and praise, point it back to Jesus.

A friend shared with me something she once read, “Instead of asking God to work through us, we should be asking, ‘God what can I do for You?'” Why do we so often ask God to dwell in us, when we should be striving to dwell in His presence? David shares his deep desire to be in the Presence of the Lord in Psalms 51, to “dwell in the house of the Lord”, he didn’t necessarily mean a temple, but to be in Gods presence daily. He later shares what attributes God looks for in those who wish to dwell with Him. Live a holy life, live a honest life, love people with your words, despise and turn from evil, honor your bothers and sisters in Christ, be a person of integrity, and live a generous life. Sounds simple, but we all know how difficult it can be to live by those 7 attributes. David knew. He failed too. But he never stopped chasing, repenting, and worshipping. God gave us freedom to choose. He wants relationship with us, and those are never one sided. As He pursues you, pursue Him right back.

It’s so not about us. Not this life, and not the next. It’s about the One who Was, Is, and Always will be all we need.

This past week I encountered tears, sweat, screams, fits, dancing, laughs, and the Holy Spirit. As campers and missionaries alike danced in a circle, holding hands and smiling their biggest smiles, I saw a glimpse of the Holy Spirit in between the linked hands and in the smiles of those serving the wonderful kids that come to Camp Barnabas to experience the “impossible” in a world where they are looked down on, pushed aside, and told “no”.

Reflecting on the last tiring week, Jesus reminded me that He guides us to things he knows we will love, things that will be so much better than the path we are on now. He reminded me that His plan is far better for me than the plan I have set for myself. So often I feel Jesus tries to bring us on a detour, taking us down paths He knows will bring us fulfillment and joy, we complain and pout and sometimes throw a fit and fall to the ground. My camper this past week wanted to just give up. I knew that the activities and parties that were just ahead were going to bring my camper so much joy! Yet he didn’t see that, he didn’t want change to happen in his already strange day. So I would continue to guide him to the next fun thing, reminding him that what’s next will be far better than what was.

Jesus still stands there, holding out His hand to me, saying

“let’s go, I promise, this is going to be the greatest adventure of your life.”

I was reminded of how I act so often towards Jesus. All He wants is what’s best for me. He wants me to encounter the best. What a sweet reminder for all of us, we cannot be the people who stay on the ground, refusing to move. We must be the ones to look up through our teary eyes to the One standing before us, with His arms stretched wide and take hold of His hand.